You really coming over, don't trick.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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