Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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