Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
