Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
