I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
