I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize