I accidentally had phone sex last night
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
