I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
