The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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