Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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