oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
