Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
