Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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