You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
