i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
