Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
