can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
