Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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