the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
