I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
