i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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