Where did you get a picture of my penis
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
