So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
