if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
