Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
