I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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