Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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