just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
