Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
