Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
