i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
