I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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