New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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