ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
