my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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