2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
