New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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