Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
