I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
