How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There's always time for handjobs
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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