I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
false alarm. still invincible.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
