I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
