She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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