my mouth tastes like poor choices
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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