The maid of honor just puked.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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