i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
