I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
