if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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