I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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