I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Two words: blizzard sex
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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