we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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