I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
