if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am puke
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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