i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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