Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
