I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm passing your future prison.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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