My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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