her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize