Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
