good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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