I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
